Nebula_Zealem

Gang I am worried TW: Mentions of fictional self harm/suicidal ideation

So in English today we had this task where we had to write a diary/journal entry of ourselves who has been stuck on an island for 3 days and like how we'd survive and what we did and shit like that.
Anyway I was like: "Well I mean after The Egg Zealem did exile themselves onto an island so maybe I'll ask if I can write about my own character" to which the teacher said yes to.
I then proceeded to write more than needed, and something I'd just like to note in it I write about Ghostbur and Phantommy, both of them taking up a paragraph.
In the Ghostbur section it talks about Ghostbur trying to convince Zealem to go back and trying to convince them that people forgive them and don't blame them for what they did under The Egg's control. Zealem "writes" that ever since Ghostbur died he's only remembered the good so how would he know if that's true(this isn't entirely accurate however in the lore Zealem would avoid Ghostbur a lot because they hadn't exactly been on good terms with Wilbur and the trauma).
In the Phantommy section it talks about Phantommy trying to convince Zealem to walk into the waves of the ocean. Zealem notes that Phantommy knows the pain that would cause, the purple blood that would spill and the likely death that would occur if Zealem walked into the water, Zealem saying that he just wants them dead. (Note Phantommy actually doesn't exist, not even in Zealem's lore, he is an embodiment of Zealem's guilt and suicidal ideation)
After the Phantommy section was a paragraph that was meant to be about what Zealem would do next to survive. However:
"Repent", purple, "Repent", purple, "repentrepentrepentrepentrepent", more purple.
I won't go back there.
They don't need me.
(This is pretty close to what I wrote)
And our SSO read it and after he read it he looked up at me and gave me a look and I'm worried about what's going to happen when my English teachers(yes I have 2) read it because I'm depicting a character suffering from suicidal ideation and punishing self harm and that might worry them, or worse I'll get a councilor called on me again and I'll have to explain that I'm describing a fictional character that I wrote because I like making characters sad and suffering because of it.
‪@KAIIII-JustLivingLife‬ ‪@ECH0_W4SN0TF00UND‬ ‪@Ash3r_pl4yz‬ ‪@BeTheKodakboiiiiiiiiiii‬ ‪@MoonLightRandomlovesdsmp‬ ‪@Drip_Hog‬ ‪@Mimic-n5y‬ ‪@DeadZeroKitty‬ ‪@PIXEL_W4SN0TF00UND‬

10 hours ago | [YT] | 1

Nebula_Zealem

You know how a lot of YouTubers in SMPs will make the title something like: "How to survive yadayadayda" and then they don't survive it?
What if whenever I become a MCYT and inevitably make or join an SMP with proper lore I just don't do that and instead either:

1: Just make the titles of the vids something like "Episode 1: ___SMP" which prevents any sort of spoiler or prediction before watching the vid that isn't from an outside source.

Or 2: Write a poem or song like thing about the character I play and then each episode is a line of that poem no matter what happens, meaning people will make theories about the videos which would prove most likely innocent but learn more about the character

I feel like this would be awesome and uh little thing I should note I won't be becoming a MCYT for at least a year and a few months and I also won't do it on this channel and will most likely delete this one before I make the MCYT one

‪@KAIIII-JustLivingLife‬ ‪@ECH0_W4SN0TF00UND‬ ‪@Ash3r_pl4yz‬ ‪@BeTheKodakboiiiiiiiiiii‬ ‪@MoonLightRandomlovesdsmp‬ ‪@Drip_Hog‬ ‪@Mimic-n5y‬ ‪@DeadZeroKitty‬ ‪@PIXEL_W4SN0TF00UND‬

16 hours ago | [YT] | 2

Nebula_Zealem

I have no clue who the fuck drew this baby Ranboo design but I fucking love it so much aggggghhhhh
I love that they didn't make the baby super duper cute like babies are wrinkly, babies are kind of ugly and they pulled it off perfectly and now I have a scrungly Ranboo that will never leave my brain no matter what.

Like that's my sibling(One of my familial yumeships is DSMP!Ranboo), that's my amnesiac sibling ahdhrjeiwnao
If you guys do want to know my yumes do let me know I feel like you would find the family tree amusing :3
‪@KAIIII-JustLivingLife‬ ‪@ECH0_W4SN0TF00UND‬ ‪@Ash3r_pl4yz‬ ‪@BeTheKodakboiiiiiiiiiii‬ ‪@MoonLightRandomlovesdsmp‬ ‪@Drip_Hog‬ ‪@Mimic-n5y‬ ‪@DeadZeroKitty‬ ‪@PIXEL_W4SN0TF00UND‬

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1 day ago | [YT] | 1

Nebula_Zealem

0 days clean
Why did I jump when mom spoke to me?
She was already in the room.
She has every right to be angry she had every right to yell at me.
I have no right to cry about it I have no right to feel upset because she got upset and yelled while I was feeling unwell and exhausted and trying my best to function.
I should just die in a fucking ditch

2 days ago | [YT] | 2

Nebula_Zealem

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words and looks leave scars that won't heal

2 days ago | [YT] | 0

Nebula_Zealem

TW: Suicidal Ideation, Vent




I don't think I'm going to sleep tonight.
It's 12am for me at the time of posting this.
I keep daydreaming about having a really bad mental breakdown and attempting to kill myself in front of my class.
I sound so selfish in those daydreams, why would I put anyone through the pain of that? Of watching someone kill themself? What's wrong with me?
I think I prefer it when my head is empty.
When I stare off into space with no sense of what is truly real and truly false, when emotions besides hollowness cannot reach me, when the lie every one tells themselves, that everything will be ok, that life moves on, doesn't matter.
Or maybe it was better back then,
Back when I was constantly daydreaming but always about fiction, a place that wasn't real but felt real to me, so real that I had breakdowns and actual emotion over it, so real that I could practically feel the characters hold me, practically hear them tell me that I would be fine and that I wasn't at fault, those beautiful lies I used to tell myself.
Or maybe it would just be better if I was dead.
I already tried to commit about 5-4 days ago but couldn't find the pills.
I never imagined myself as a teenager,
Never.
As a kid I was either a kid or an adult in my imagination, when I thought about the future I thought about adulthood, almost never my teenage years.
This was most jarring for me when I got to my final day at school before highschool.
I sang in front of the school with my class all the other people who would be moving onto highschool and afterwards I realised just how shocking this experience was.
I always imagined myself dying before I reached that point, yet I was still alive.
I had even told my mother during a particular breakdown in my time at that school that I wanted to die, at the time I didn't know what that meant.
In the first week of highschool I was transitioning well, in the first term I was going well, in the second term I was going ok.
By the third term things started getting worse for me, friend group drama, stress starting to get to me making it more easy for me to lash out.
The daydreaming continued throughout the whole year.
By the time I started the next year of highschool the daydreams faded which lead to a pretty bad breakdown. This time it got worse.
I panicked more,
I felt worse more often,
I found myself confused by my shifts from happy around my friends to stressed or angry or sad or even lonely even though I have like 20 friends thinking that there was something wrong with me,
My grades dropped, not by much, but enough that my parents asked if something was wrong.
I lied.
I had already gone to therapy the year before and I was not going to go again.
I told them I was just having some issues focusing in certain classes and that I didn't need any help.
Then my mental state got worse, maybe because a fair few of our pets died.
I lost motivation constantly,
I would be unable to shower for days,
I would cut myself,
I would try to suffocate myself,
I would breakdown,
I would split for a bit before becoming one again,
I would drift away from my surroundings,
I would feel like everything was a dream,
I would feel like everything was a chore.
And now I'm here.
Fresh off an attempt, lacking in notification for most things including those of which I love, Refusing to get help because I have already caused enough issues for my parents, my grandmother, my aunty, my siblings, my friends, my teachers, the other students, the strangers on the street the thoughts in my head I've already caused them enough issues

2 days ago | [YT] | 1

Nebula_Zealem

When you take the ship chart too literally(can't even see half of it because of all the blue)
Help one of the groups is basically just a polycule where they are all attracted to one man but not necessarily the others and the man is attracted to all of them
The other main group is a bunch of friends who I feel like could work as a queer platonic polycule
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2 days ago | [YT] | 4

Nebula_Zealem

Was daydreaming things that could happen and wanted to share them with you(plus the episodes of Pantheon SMP I've watched heh)

Me talking on stream with another yt:
"Wait is it lunch time? Ahh fuck it, eating sucks anyway."
Other yt:
"Nebula eat."
Me:
"No." >:(
Other yt:
"Nebula"
Me:
"Fine, fucking gods."
(I then proceeded to walk away, grab lunch and come back)

Me on stream:
"I can't eat most foods."
Other yt:
"You got allergies?"
Me:
"No I don't have any allergies, the sensory issues I have make it difficult for me to eat most foods."
Other yt:
"That sucks."
Chat:
"You have sensory issues? Are you nerodivergent? Do you have some kind of eating disorder?"
Me:
"You guys didn't know I was nerodivergent? I could of sworn I talked about it, then again maybe y'all didn't see that vid. Yeah I have diagnosed Autism and OCD tendencies. No I don't have any eating disorders that I'm aware of."
Chat:
"Are you gay?"
Me:
"First of all, what the fuck does that have to do with what I was talking about? Second of all, you didn't know that already? You all didn't know that I'm Genderfluid, Bisexual and Greysexual?"
Chat:
"What does that mean?"
Me:
"Genderfluid means my gender identity shifts, bisexual means that I am attracted to 2 or more genders but gender is an aspect in the attraction, I have a preference for woman and non-binaries, and Greysexual means I feel very little sexual attraction very rarely."

Chat:
"What do you feel about shipping?"
Me:
"Shipping? Uhh- Well I don't mind all that much, keep in mind my age though if your shipping me because a bunch of my YouTube and streaming friends are a fair bit older than me and please don't make sexual content of ME but with the characters I play in the servers and games go wild just don't put the sexual stuff in places where children can easily access it and use the right tags."

Idk I was having a shower and just started imagining it, the other Youtubers I imagined didn't even have names lol
‪@KAIIII-JustLivingLife‬ ‪@ECH0_W4SN0TF00UND‬ ‪@Ash3r_pl4yz‬ ‪@BeTheKodakboiiiiiiiiiii‬ ‪@MoonLightRandomlovesdsmp‬ ‪@Drip_Hog‬ ‪@Mimic-n5y‬ ‪@DeadZeroKitty‬

2 days ago | [YT] | 1

Nebula_Zealem

Listened to this song despite telling myself I would not listen to it before finishing Apo's pov
It's so peak!!! The symbolism in the lyrics is amazing and the word play is good it's honestly so fun when the creators or actors in a show make songs about them because honestly you don't see it often enough and I love it :3
Amazing Job ‪@martyn‬ :3
(I doubt he will actually see this but it would be funny)
‪@KAIIII-JustLivingLife‬ ‪@ECH0_W4SN0TF00UND‬ ‪@Ash3r_pl4yz‬ ‪@BeTheKodakboiiiiiiiiiii‬ ‪@MoonLightRandomlovesdsmp‬ ‪@Drip_Hog‬ ‪@Mimic-n5y‬ ‪@DeadZeroKitty‬ ‪@PIXEL_W4SN0TF00UND‬

2 days ago | [YT] | 1

Nebula_Zealem

Cooking up one of my first ever edits
Hopefully it goes well because it has a lot of characters from like 5 different series that I'm going to need to find clips of lol
‪@KAIIII-JustLivingLife‬ ‪@ECH0_W4SN0TF00UND‬ ‪@Ash3r_pl4yz‬ ‪@BeTheKodakboiiiiiiiiiii‬ ‪@MoonLightRandomlovesdsmp‬ ‪@Drip_Hog‬ ‪@Mimic-n5y‬ ‪@DeadZeroKitty‬ ‪@PIXEL_W4SN0TF00UND‬

2 days ago (edited) | [YT] | 2