CASE NUMBER: WH-63RD-OBOCK DEPARTMENT OF PUBLIC SAFETY CONES / BEHAVIORAL INVESTIGATION UNIT DATE OF REPORT: NOVEMBER 1, 2026
IDENTIFICATION PROFILE • FULL NAME: Theodore "Ted" Investigates aka Larry • ALIAS / STREET NAMES: The Bathroom Outlaw, The Ghost Drink Ghost, Two-Strike Teddy, The Reflection Detective, Scott/Mark Gray • AGE: 43 • HEIGHT: 5’11” (Looks slightly shorter when shrinking back from a camera reflection) • WEIGHT: Taller than JLR, Smaller than Alex but completely dwarfed by Queen Bee • EYES: Permanently Dilated / Waffle House Bright (Operating at full dinner-plate diameter, optimized to widen by an extra 300% when chat mentions King Von lyrics) • HAIR: Dark brown, unstyled, showing severe signs of "wing coma" and digital stress
LAST SEEN DETAILS • LAST SEEN WEARING: The infamous "Waffle House For The Win" striped referee polo, topped with a random duck-print baseball cap that he didn't realize was a duck hat until 12 hours into his stream. • LAST SEEN LOCATION: The Komo Zoo and Conservatory primate house, hanging directly outside the gorilla enclosure. • CIRCUMSTANCES: Subject left the zoo in a severe panic after discovering the food court was closed for the winter. He fled 17 miles south to Burger Moe's on 7th Street to hog a booth with a functional phone outlet, order 12 extra-hot traditional wings with blue cheese, and down Diet Cokes until his gallbladder and prostate started hurting.
BEHAVIORAL CAUTIONS & LOGS • Subject claims to be related to Joe Pesci's character in Casino and will threaten to copyright-strike your entire family if you catch his reflection in a mirror. • Prone to sudden, defensive rants asserting that "women do not think he looks like a tool". • Known to carry a highly unsanitary, designated "peacup" in his glove box from his legacy days as a medical laser salesman.
CURRENT REWARD: $150.99 (Or equivalent value in Busch Gardens vouchers, paid entirely in incredibly dirty glove-compartment quarters)
IF ENCOUNTERED: Do not make eye contact unless you want an instant, terrifying confidence surge. Hand him a room-temperature Red Bull, tell him you are "pro-JLR always," and contact the "Boots on the Ground" hotline immediately before he threatens to copy-strike your entire family or slips into a 12-piece extra hot wing coma.
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MISSING PERSON REPORT
CASE NUMBER: WH-63RD-OBOCK
DEPARTMENT OF PUBLIC SAFETY CONES / BEHAVIORAL INVESTIGATION UNIT
DATE OF REPORT: NOVEMBER 1, 2026
IDENTIFICATION PROFILE
• FULL NAME: Theodore "Ted" Investigates aka Larry
• ALIAS / STREET NAMES: The Bathroom Outlaw, The Ghost Drink Ghost, Two-Strike Teddy, The Reflection Detective, Scott/Mark Gray
• AGE: 43
• HEIGHT: 5’11” (Looks slightly shorter when shrinking back from a camera reflection)
• WEIGHT: Taller than JLR, Smaller than Alex but completely dwarfed by Queen Bee
• EYES: Permanently Dilated / Waffle House Bright (Operating at full dinner-plate diameter, optimized to widen by an extra 300% when chat mentions King Von lyrics)
• HAIR: Dark brown, unstyled, showing severe signs of "wing coma" and digital stress
LAST SEEN DETAILS
• LAST SEEN WEARING: The infamous "Waffle House For The Win" striped referee polo, topped with a random duck-print baseball cap that he didn't realize was a duck hat until 12 hours into his stream.
• LAST SEEN LOCATION: The Komo Zoo and Conservatory primate house, hanging directly outside the gorilla enclosure.
• CIRCUMSTANCES: Subject left the zoo in a severe panic after discovering the food court was closed for the winter. He fled 17 miles south to Burger Moe's on 7th Street to hog a booth with a functional phone outlet, order 12 extra-hot traditional wings with blue cheese, and down Diet Cokes until his gallbladder and prostate started hurting.
BEHAVIORAL CAUTIONS & LOGS
• Subject claims to be related to Joe Pesci's character in Casino and will threaten to copyright-strike your entire family if you catch his reflection in a mirror.
• Prone to sudden, defensive rants asserting that "women do not think he looks like a tool".
• Known to carry a highly unsanitary, designated "peacup" in his glove box from his legacy days as a medical laser salesman.
CURRENT REWARD: $150.99
(Or equivalent value in Busch Gardens vouchers, paid entirely in incredibly dirty glove-compartment quarters)
IF ENCOUNTERED:
Do not make eye contact unless you want an instant, terrifying confidence surge. Hand him a room-temperature Red Bull, tell him you are "pro-JLR always," and contact the "Boots on the Ground" hotline immediately before he threatens to copy-strike your entire family or slips into a 12-piece extra hot wing coma.
#TedInvestigates #JLRInvestigates #BootsOnTheGround #TrueCrimeCommunity
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