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“Not Delivered”. The letters are punctuated with a red exclamation point that feels especially cruel. A sharp exhaled gasp turns into a strangled sob that catches in my throat. I hug my knees into my chest as I stare down at my phone. I knew I wouldn't be able to reach her, in my head. I knew that. I just didn't expect such a gut punch of finality from those two words.

It doesn't make sense. Mom, where are you? I don't understand why I can't talk to you anymore. As my brain starts to answer the questions, my heart violently intercepts the approaching avalanche of feelings. And suddenly, mercifully, I feel nothing. Blank. Void. Uno reverse. I pull my legs in tighter, rest my chin on my knees, and read it again: “Not Delivered”.

Maybe I'll understand the words tomorrow.

12 hours ago | [YT] | 47

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Just some pics from life lately. Miss you guys.

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1 week ago | [YT] | 205

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This weekend was my mama's Celebration of Life service. It was a tough weekend, but I feel so extremely surrounded by generous love and support.

I got to plan the service, for the most part, and I thought you'd enjoy the slide that I chose for my portion of the speeches. Please note the bottom left of the photo. Now all 400+ people know the truth. 😊

Also, I spliced Ryan into the photo. Because I wanted him in the photo and because it added some comic relief to my speech intro. :)

1 month ago | [YT] | 336

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I lost my sweet mama today. 🥺 The feelings feel bigger than I know how to feel. It hurts, so bad. I'm in shock. My heart is broken. I'm so thankful that she's longer in pain. I'll have more to say when my brain wraps around this new reality.

For now, cherish your loved ones and leave every interaction as if that's the last time you'll get to see them.

1 month ago | [YT] | 437

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I have a ticket for tonight's opening night of Oogie Boogie Bash, and I'm forcing myself to go. I love this event and I love this season, but life feels like an unrelenting storm right now.

I can't promise that I'll be bubbly. I can't promise that I won't cry.

But I promise to be there.

I'm going to h*ckin' be there.

1 month ago | [YT] | 192

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Ok, MOM IS NOT DONE YET. She's making a baffling comeback and she's ready to FIGHT.

The beacons are lit.
The cavalry has arrived.
My whole family is here.

If you have any words of encouragement you'd like to share,or prayers or scripture (or battle cries! ☺️), I will read them all to my mom.

2 months ago | [YT] | 275

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Hey chat, a bit of a serious update here:

Things have been declining with my mom over the past weeks, since we got her diagnosis June 18th. They found more cancer on her spinal cord and in the spinal cord canal. This is on top of the large mass in her left lung, and something like 11 tumors in her brain.

It's all happened so fast. She's been in the hospital since Friday, after her neurological and mobility symptoms were prompting big concerns. She was admitted and they ran a number of tests. We are still trying to figure things out, but she has cancer in so many areas, it's not a good prognosis.

She had at least 3 episodes that looked like seizures. Very scary. Just terrible to see your loved one in that state. The doctor on the case is just wonderful and we trust his sound judgment. He's trying to give her care that will stop the seizures, but if she has 1 or 2 more episodes, he recommends we stop testing and poking and prodding her and just let her be at peace, with palliative care.

I'm not a doctor, but I'm feeling like it's going to be soon: today, tomorrow, or next day. My entire family is flying in either tonight or tomorrow morning. My mom is not very responsive right now, but I still asked her if she might try to stay until they can get here. :)

I was walking through the parking lot this morning, to bring my dad breakfast and just sit with him, and I was just praying out loud. I probably looked a little crazy, but I told God that I can't do this on my own, with my own strength. I needed him to help me be there for my dad and Katie (who flew into town to help before all this went down). I asked him to give my mom peace and let her not be afraid. I asked that God would give me calmness or even allow emotion, if that's what my Dad most needs right now. As soon as I got to the room and saw both of them, my mind switched into very very solid mode. I felt unshakable and was able to listen to dad and hear how the night went and all of the things he processed.

The doctor took us to a room where we could talk in a quieter environment and told us what he thinks is best and we are trying one more thing and then we're going to let her be at rest and not be poked and prodded anymore. If she is still with us tomorrow and still struggling, we will take her home for hospice, so she can be in her own house and be comfortable.

I don't have good words to express how I feel about all of it. I know that we've had some precious times with mom and dad throughout this, and a unity with siblings. I'm so thankful we've had, and are having, this valuable time with mom, but we are ready to let her go home to be with the Lord.

Praise be to God that we have hope that death is not the end. In the meantime, we're holding my mom tight.

2 months ago | [YT] | 306

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I'm still here. I'm not going anywhere. 🤍

2 months ago | [YT] | 210

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I'm sorry I've been so silent this week. All of mom's test results will be coming together next Thursday. Official diagnosis, treatment plan, prognosis. My world is about to change. It's already changed.

If you haven't gotten to "meet" my mom yet, here is a video clip of her sharing with the church family what's been going on. I'm so moved by how many people deeply love my mother and my family.

Watch here: bit.ly/MamaJudy

I've been telling myself to keep functioning normally, keep streaming, be productive, because we don't have answers yet and there's no reason to overreact. But overreacting implies a disproportionate response to something. It is *already* happening and we are in the middle the hardest time our family has ever endured together.

This is a silent scream of excruciating limbo. We've had the initial impact of the cancer news, but now we're sitting in the metaphorical emergency room, waiting to find out how bad it is. An agonizing pause. Anticipatory grief.

Even as I share all of this very raw emotion, I need to be clear that I am not despairing. Even if the prognosis is bad, really bad, we are still going to fight as my mother fights. We are not defeated. We have hope, and even joy, no matter the prognosis, no matter the outcome.

I just love my mom so much and I wish this wasn't happening. 💔

3 months ago (edited) | [YT] | 165

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🌹Mama Health Updates🌹

I wanted to give everyone a quick update on what has been happening these past couple of weeks, since many of you have noticed I’ve been absent from streaming. For further updates, click the pinned comment of this post, and I'll continue to post comments below and start an update thread for those checking in.

As most of you know, my mom was recently diagnosed with cancer. Since my last update, we’ve learned that doctors have now found cancer in multiple locations, including her lungs and brain, which has made for a very overwhelming and emotional week for our family.

The encouraging news is that her medical team is moving quickly. Her first oncology appointment is Friday, June 26 at 1:50 PM, and doctors have decided not to wait for the PET scan before beginning discussions around treatment. I’m incredibly grateful they’re taking this so seriously and acting fast.

Right now, my family is taking things week by week, and I may need to spend some time in Northern California helping support my parents as we figure out next steps.

I also wanted to explain why I’ve stepped away from streaming these past two weeks. Truthfully, I’ve needed some space to process all of this privately, and moving forward, I’ll likely be creating some boundaries around discussing my mom’s health during livestreams.

I know so many of you care deeply, and I’m incredibly grateful for the love, encouragement, and prayers you’ve already shown us. If my mods direct people here for updates, it’s simply because I’d like to preserve livestreams as what they’ve always been for all of us: a place for joy, connection, peace, and a temporary break from the heaviness life sometimes brings.

Thank you for loving my family so well right now. 🤍

3 months ago | [YT] | 214