MajnuBhai😼 - Invidious

MajnuBhai😼

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formerly @lmfaoyaar
souvenir .

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MajnuBhai😼

04 . 10 . 26

happy birthday.

idk where to even start this tbh. i don't even know why i'm writing this, because there's like a 100% chance you'll never see it anyway. but it's your birthday and i guess i just wanted to put this somewhere.

i don't even know where you are now. i don't know what you're doing, who you're with, how your life is going, or if you even remember me properly anymore. and that's actually so weird to think about because there was a time when i knew so much about you.

like we actually used to talk. you were a person i thought about all the time. and now i don't even know anything about your life.

and before anyone starts, yes, i know we were never together. i know there was never actually a relationship between us. but that doesn't mean there wasn't something.
because there was.

i liked you. like genuinely liked you. and you liked me too, which is probably the craziest part of all of this. you literally confessed to me and i still said no.
and i swear it wasn't because i didn't like you.

i think that's something i've wanted to say for a long time, even if you'll probably never hear it.

i said no because i was scared. not of you, but of everything that came with it. i had decided that i needed to focus on my studies and actually do something with my future, and i was so convinced that having a relationship would distract me from that.
so i chose studies.

which sounds so simple when i say it like that, but at the time it really wasn't.

because there was literally a part of me that wanted to say yes.
and i didn't.

sometimes i wonder what would've happened if i did. like genuinely. what would we be like now? would we still talk? would we have lasted? would we have ended horribly? would we just be strangers anyway?
i obviously don't know.

and maybe that's why you still feel a little different to me. because there was actually a possibility. it wasn't just some imaginary crush where i made up a whole relationship in my head. you liked me too. there was actually something there and i was the one who decided not to find out where it could've gone.
but at the same time, i don't regret choosing my future.
i think both things can be true.

i can be happy with the decision i made and still sometimes wonder about the decision i didn't make.

idk if that even makes sense omg.

i've obviously changed since then. i'm not the same person i was when i liked you. you've probably changed too. maybe if i met you now, we'd barely even recognize each other. maybe we'd get along exactly the same. who knows.

that's the weird thing about people.

someone can be such a huge part of your life one day and then suddenly you don't even know where they are anymore.

and honestly, i don't even know if you remember all of this. maybe you do. maybe you don't. maybe you completely forgot about me and that's okay too.

i don't expect you to remember the way i do.
i don't expect you to ever see this.

and i'm not writing this because i want you back or because i'm secretly waiting for something to happen. i'm really not.

i just think it's weird how we can move on from people without necessarily forgetting what they meant to us.

because i don't have feelings for you the way i used to. but i can still look back and think, yeah, i really loved that person once.
and i don't think that's embarrassing.

okay maybe it is a little embarrassing because bro what was i doing back then but still. you were important to me.

you made me happy at a time in my life when little things mattered so much. there are probably so many moments you don't even remember that i still remember for no reason.

and maybe that's all some people are meant to be. not your forever person. not your ex. not even necessarily someone who stays. just someone who becomes a really important part of one chapter of your life.

and i think that's what you are for me.

a chapter i never got to finish. not because it ended badly, but because i closed the book myself before i could find out what happened next.

sometimes i think that's sad.sometimes i think it's actually kind of beautiful.

because if i had to go back and make the same decision again, i honestly don't know what i'd do. maybe i'd still choose my studies. maybe i'd let myself experience it. maybe i'd do something completely different.

but i can't go back. and i'm okay with that.

i just hope you're okay too.

wherever you are right now, whatever you're doing, i genuinely hope life is going well for you. i hope you're happy. i hope you've met people who make you feel loved and appreciated. i hope you're doing things you're proud of.

and i hope you get everything you want from life.
i don't need you to know that i'm writing this. i don't need a reply. i don't need anything from you.

i just wanted to say happy birthday to someone who once meant a lot to me. someone i loved. someone who loved me too. someone who i could've had something with, but didn't.

and maybe i'll always be a little curious about that.

but that's life i guess.

sometimes you meet someone at the right time emotionally and the wrong time in every other way. and sometimes you have to let them go even when you don't really want to.

so yeah.

happy birthday.

i genuinely hope you're doing okay wherever you are.

and if you somehow ever see this, just know that when i said no, it was never because i didn't care about you. i cared way too much. i just had other things i needed to choose at that time.

and maybe that's all our story was supposed to be. two people who liked each other, at a time when neither of us really knew what to do with it.
a whole “what if” that we'll probably never get an answer to.

anyway, happy birthday.

i hope life is good to you.

and i hope, wherever you are, you're doing better than okay.

you will forever have a special place in my heart.